Do not Call Me Intimidating!

 

This subject could become much larger than I intend, so I am going to focus on my own experiences.

I was born in the United States, but I was raised in different countries and immersed in different cultures. It was not until I began spending significant amounts of time in the U.S. that I even started to understand the way the word race is used here.

Even today, I struggle with the concept.

Not because I do not understand that race has shaped many people's experiences, but because the way we often use it assumes entire groups of people think alike, behave alike, or share the same culture.

My life has taught me otherwise.

Years ago, my wife made a Facebook post about an interaction we had experienced. Someone commented that people probably found me "intimidating."

Before I could respond, my wife, who is all of 5'5" and about 115 pounds, asked a simple question: "Why would you think that?"

It stopped me in my tracks.

Why would someone think that?

For the record, I am about six feet tall and weigh around 210 pounds. I am certainly taller than some people, but I am hardly an anomaly.

My children do not find me intimidating.

In fact, they have often told me they feel safe around me. What they fear is not me, it is disappointing me.

Interestingly, many of my children's friends have said the same thing. Some have even called me "Dad" because I have always tried to treat them as I would my own children.

At work, I try to give my very best every day.

I enjoy meeting people. I enjoy listening. I genuinely hope that people will take the time to know me before deciding who I am.

That is why being called "intimidating" has never felt like a compliment.

It makes me wonder: What did you actually observe? Was it something I said? Something I did? Or was it an assumption formed before we ever had the opportunity to know one another?

Research has shown that Black men are often perceived as more threatening than others, even when displaying neutral expressions or engaging in identical behaviors. The American Psychological Association has reported on this phenomenon, and other researchers have explored the ways many Black men consciously modify their behavior to avoid being perceived as threatening. Those findings do not define every interaction, but they do suggest that unconscious bias can shape first impressions in ways we may not even recognize.

Perhaps that is why words like intimidating, aggressive, or threatening deserve a little more reflection before we use them.

Maybe they accurately describe someone's behavior. Or maybe they reveal something about the assumptions we bring into the interaction.

I am not asking anyone to ignore genuine warning signs. I am simply asking that we give people the opportunity to show us who they are before deciding who we think they must be.

Judge me by my character. Judge me by my actions. Judge me by how I treat other people. Just do not judge me before you have had the chance to know me. Because none of us should be reduced to someone else's first impression.

Leadership Reflection: how many opportunities do we miss because we mistake an assumption for an observation?

Dr. Flavius A. B. Akerele III, EdD, MBA

#Leadership #BiasAwareness #AuthenticLeadership #Diversity #Inclusion #Character #Communication #LeadershipReflection #blacktwitter

Further Reading

• American Psychological Association: Research on perceptions of Black men.
• NPR: How some Black men adapt their behavior to avoid being perceived as threatening.
• Purple Hued Views: Why Telling Black People They Are Aggressive Is Aggressive in Itself.

Related Articles by Dr. Flavius A. B. Akerele III

• The Difference Between Being Busy and Creating Value
• Do We Really Promote from Within?
• Don't Forget to Live
• Whatever Happened to the Art of Disagreement?