Whatever Happened to the Art of Disagreement?

 

Have you had a real debate lately? I'm not talking about politics. That's an entirely different conversation. I mean a genuine discussion with someone who sees the world differently than you do. There was a time when this was normal, people disagreed, they challenged one another, sometimes they even changed their minds, and then they went and had lunch together.

Today, disagreement often feels like the opening round of a fight, not a debate, not a discussion; a fight. Somewhere along the way, we've confused disagreement with disrespect. I believe electronic communication has played a role in that change.

Emails, text messages, comment sections, and social media have stripped away many of the things that help us communicate effectively: facial expressions, tone of voice, pauses, humor, and empathy. Intent is easily misunderstood. A sincere question can sound sarcastic. Curiosity can be mistaken for criticism.

But technology isn't the entire problem.

The other part is that online communication has created an audience. Too often, people aren't trying to understand the person they're talking to. They're performing for everyone else reading the conversation. The goal isn't to exchange ideas, the goal is to "win”, and that changes everything.

Instead of engaging with ideas, many conversations rely on rhetorical tactics that distract from meaningful discussion:

• Changing the subject when a point becomes uncomfortable.
• Responding with "What about..." instead of addressing the original question.
• Flooding the conversation with so many unrelated claims that no one can reasonably examine them all.
• Quietly slipping assumptions into a question as though everyone already agrees with them.
• Speaking with absolute confidence, where certainty is mistaken for evidence.

Ironically, these are many of the logical fallacies we were once taught to recognize because they weakened an argument, not strengthened it.

Today, if they're delivered loudly enough and confidently enough, they're sometimes mistaken for winning the debate.

But confidence is not evidence, volume is not reasoning, and collecting likes from spectators is not the same as persuading someone through thoughtful discussion.

One of the healthiest things we can say is: "That's an interesting point. I hadn't thought about it that way". Changing your mind after hearing new evidence isn't weakness, It's intellectual maturity; and likewise, disagreeing with someone isn't disrespect, it's an opportunity to understand how another person arrived at a different conclusion.

For those of us old enough to remember, you'll remember the old Bell System commercial encouraging us to "Reach Out and Touch Someone." Before anyone gets excited, yes, I'm referring to the telephone slogan, I am not suggesting we settle disagreements with our fists. 😊

The irony, however, isn't lost on me.

There was a time when people generally treated one another with greater courtesy because there were social consequences for how they behaved. You still disagreed, you still debated passionately.; but you also recognized that there was another human being standing in front of you.

Today, we've never been more connected electronically, yet sometimes we've never seemed further apart in how we communicate.

There is nothing wrong with being passionate about your beliefs, there is nothing wrong with disagreeing, there is nothing wrong with challenging ideas, and there is everything right about doing so with respect. A debate should never be about proving who is smarter, It should be a collaborative search for the best answer. Civil discourse doesn't require agreement, it requires respect.

Perhaps that's something worth rediscovering.

Because if we lose the ability to have civil conversations, we don't just lose debates, we lose our ability to learn from one another.

Leadership Reflection

When was the last time you walked away from a conversation thinking, "I still disagree, but I understand their perspective better than I did an hour ago"?

Dr. Flavius A. B. Akerele III, EdD, MBA

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